(posted on 30-Mar-2000)
[This was a message in response to a post from Debutante - one in which she defended her position as a mom.]
As a white heterosexual man (Ravi's burning desire for me notwithstanding) perhaps it is not within my provenance to comment on the matter. Nonetheless I think I agree with your analysis of the general attitude toward "mothering" in this country at least and perhaps elsewhere.
This is a seperate issue from that originally addressed in this thread, but one of the things that I object to in the feminist ideology (and recall that I am a humanist who thinks any philosophy that focuses on gender is misguided) is the apparent belief that the main inequity facing women relates to work versus family. It seems that greater value is given to work and career than raising children. I do not deny that women HAVE been oppressed in a largely patriarchal society for millennia. I do deny however that the key benchmark for that is relevant to work versus child-rearing. If a woman prefers to work, she should have every right to and should be given the same opportunities, salary etc. as a man. At the same time however we should not view that woman as more "free", empowered, successful or otherwise fulfilled than one who chooses to raise her children.
Women have been sold a bill of goods by the feminist dogma that places personal achievement over family. Likewise men have been sold a bill of goods (and this goes back long before feminism) that their only responsibility is to provide financially and perhaps in some disciplinary or authoritarian capacity for their family.
My father is a paragon of male chauvinism to the extent that he believes it totally within his rights to do NOTHING once he walks out his office door. Now we might say that he is a despicable ass, but really why is he that way? And is he more empowered because he has a successful career and fulfills minimal responsibility at home? What has he missed out on?
Personally I would be thrilled at the prospect of staying home with my son while my wife worked. And yet I would be stigmatized by a society that thinks any man who does that is not a man. I value much more greatly than my career the time I spend with my son, loving him, having fun (we recently discovered hide and seek) and nurturing his growth and development.
In the end I think the feminist movement is coming back to center and men are beginning to realize they need to meet half way. Books like "Stiffed" by feminist author Susan Faludi are a testament to that. Still we have a long way to go. I feel we must if we are to address the problems facing our children like youth gun violence, drugs etc. Someone needs to stay home with the children and whoever it is mother or father he or she should be praised for doing the most important job in our society not emasculated if he is a man or denigrated as unambitious and "oppressed" if she is a woman.
Is a woman so much more admirable if she is just another corporate execudrone with a large wood panelled office and a six figure salary versus being a "lowly" housewife? I think not the world has far too many lawyers, bankers, CEOs and Board Chairmen as it is and far too few good parents.
Conversely is a man such an unmasculine, effete dandy if HE stays home to raise his children while his wife works? Again one less dollar chasing corporate automaton is not such a great loss particularly in the tradeoff for a nurturing parent taking care of our most presious resource and our only hope for the future success and proliferation of our species.
I better conclude here as I think my soap box is getting a bit wobbly.
CX